It's Over to My Old Self

Honestly,

I do not know how to start this blog post

But let's start with how I ended 2024

lost, confused, frustrated, nervous, scared, cloudy headspace, crying

And then I left the Guest Services Representative job at the end of 2024/ beginning of 2025

because of ANXIETY

I'm about to cry

*Honestly, this might affect my future jobs, but I know I trust God in this process*

New Year's Eve 2025, I had an anxiety attack, and I couldn't get myself to go to work that day

I had a difficult shift the day before

And all these emotions and feelings overwhelmed me, and honestly, there were other topics in my personal life.

SHOULD I TALK ABOUT THEM?

Well, okay... since I am feeling vulnerable

let's

December 2024 was emotionally stressful.

Even though I went to the Philippines for the Christmas season

I was distressed

I'm glad that I went since I could comprehend if I attended the wedding of one of my parents

Since I disapprove of that marriage

That was also another topic I wanted to talk about

Children of divorced parents

How do you all cope?

Before the divorce, during the divorce, and after the divorce

Honestly, that parent married not even a month after their new spouse arrived in Guam.

I'm already saying a lot since that parent got mad at me if I'm talking about their SECOND marriage online in December 2024

And honestly, that parent wants control... okay... I'm changing topics.

But when that parent got married, when I was in the Philippines.... I was SO UPSET

Something in my chest was HURTING, and I was extremely in pain.

How could someone who was supposed to build this family with their first spouse and their children RUIN it with their insecurities and unprocessed childhood trauma?

But you know... I think this is a topic I want to talk about on this blog sit not on this post

How my Parents Affected the way I view Life

Okay, I'm going into a spiral again....

So when I went back to Guam, I was surprised when I hung out with a few... friends...

That one of them was going to meet a guy

I was like... how in the world did I get into this part of my life when I'm the third... fourth... fifth wheel.

How in the world did I get to the point in my life that I'm still SINGLE in my late 20s

Yeah... that bothered me at the end of 2024

So going back to New Year's Eve 2024

I had this anxiety attack

Oh I was alone for New Year's 2024 since the parent I live with was traveling with my sister

I wanted to go, but I was recovering from my health scare in October 2024.

So I'm so thankful for my friend that I met in Uni here on Guam, who lives in Okinawa post grad, and I was CRYING

as in a PAIN in my chest and I felt like I failed

honestly

like going into the front desk job was like a wasted pontential

but I was just in a hostile environment

and I knew it was not a supportive work environment

I knew if I continued in 2025

i would have a full blown mental breakdown

and I'm realizing that now

anywho

GOING INTO THE MAIN TOPIC OF THIS POST

1) It's over to toxic people

it's hard when "friends" talk behind your back

even co workers

also family

it's hard to trust people

this is why I started blogging at fifteen in 2012 so I would feel less alone

and I know I'm working on not being alone

but it's hard when trust has been broken so many times with "friends"

2) It's over to hostile environments

whether in work or a home environment

I've left jobs because It was becoming hostile whether I found out people were talking behind my back

how people were talking in front of me

or if the operations of the job was just stressful that I could not comprehend myself performing the job functions anymore

3) It's over people pleasing

This can tie in with topic 1, but I am done trying to be nice to people who want to use me

And I know that's what happened throughout 2024.

I made many mistakes in 2024 because of people please

because I was desparate

but I'm done with that

4) It's over being mean to myself

I'll be okay

i know I'm scared for finances

but I know God will provide and protect me

that's what a previous therapist told me before

be kinder to myself

give myself some grace

honestly, no one is pressuring me right now

no one is dependent on me right now

it's just me

5) It's over wanting to escape Guam

God has showed me that I need to stay on Guam

when the time is right, if this is God's plan, I will move... eventually

I wanted to escape Guam in 2025

that was my whole goal in 2024

but God knew

NOT YET

and He has blessed me in many ways that I could ever imagine while I'm here on Guam

Here's a preview of me when I was distressed

This was me at the end of 2024

can you tell I was crying?

I wanted to write about how I feel calm now

but I'll save that for another post

also

I found this video on tik tok and fell IN love for this throwback song

it is thursday

It's Over my Jesse McCartney

and I'm reminded this Easter season

I am also reminded

that I am not being paid to blog

but I know the effort and progress in the type of posts I want to share to the world

will be worth it in the end

Thank you so much for reading this post

I'll write to you soon

Best,

Beatriz Isabel